Last night I was thinking about how I haven’t done much with my life, and have essentially squandered these last 10 years.
Then I woke up.
Even in my dreams, I’m depressed.
FML
Today, I ordered “Black Stretch Lace Garter Belt Thong & Thigh Hi Stocking” off Amazon. After receiving the confirmation email, I realized the computer was still signed into my mom’s account AND billed to her credit card. She’ll be getting it around December 9th. FML
Sometimes I feel bad for laughing at the misfortunes of others. But this is funny
FML
Today, I was in the elevator with a hot girl from class. She asked, “Do you want to work on the homework together, then make out?” I excitedly replied, “Sure!” She then pointed to the bluetooth headset in her ear and exited the elevator. FML
This is pretty great
Today, I was on the train on my way home from college. As the doors opened for me to get off, I pressed the close button and I jumped through the closing doors, mission impossible style, onto the platform. I glanced back at the train, to see an old lady trapped in the doors through which I had jumped. FML
Hahahahahahahahahahaha
FML
Today, we got a foot of snow. My boyfriend didn’t respond to my texts or calls for two hours. I thought he was dead. Turns out he was making an igloo. I’m so glad I’m dating a 3rd grader. FML
Um, yeah, your boyfriend is awesome and you are clingy.
He can do better.
One of my clients is a bingo supplies retailer…
and every time I see the phrase “bingo balls”, I chuckle in my head.
Yes, I’m that immature.
FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say “lol.” FML
Yeah, that’s your own fault there, buddy.
FML
Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML
You should come over here, baby; I always shower at least twice a week, but for you, I’d be willing to make it thrice
True story.
FML
FML
Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, “It’s cold tonight.” Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, “I know how to warm you up” and we would make love. Tonight, she said “I know how to warm you up” and farted on me. FML
thecount: Dealmaker.
WIN
A client brought our office a gift basket the other day
In it was a pack of “Wizard of Oz” Pez dispensers. While I was out at lunch, everyone else distributed the dispensers based upon who they resembled most.
When I got back from lunch the Tin Man was on my desk.
FML?
FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Again, if it’s your own stupid decisions that got you into a mess, I think you’ve kind of lost the right to whine…
FML
Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn’t stop crying for two hours. FML
Oh man that is AWESOME
Hahahahahahaha
FML
Today, I was buying beer at the liquor store I always buy beer at. I discovered that some of the people who work there worry about me if I don’t come in to buy beer every day. FML
This is the best FML I have ever seen.
