Me: (cooking bacon)
Fire alarm: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE EVERYWHERE.
Me: Damn it. (retrieving stepladder)
Fire alarm: ALL THINGS THAT EVER WERE OR EVER WILL BE ARE NOW ABLAZE. ABANDON YOUR HOPES AND YOUR CHILDREN AND FLEE.
Me: (jabbing at smoke alarm with broom)
Fire alarm: CAUTION THE FIRE HAS EVOLVED CRUDE TOOLS AND IS ATTEMPTING TO SILENCE MY WARNINGS. LAMENT, BROTHERS! LAMENT! TELL MY WIFE I WAS FAITHFUL TO THE END.
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Mine does that when
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